Sunday, October 5, 2008

Crimes of Fashion #2

A Stylist Made Me Do It

It must be tough being a famous gymnast.
You train all day, every day. When you're not training, you are eating, sleeping or studying. Then you get up at the crack of dawn the next day and you do it all again.
But finally, one day, all the work pays off, you win a few meets, then a few more, and then, if you're really lucky, you start to become known for your sport.
The next thing you know, the media are chasing you, wanting you to represent a cause;
or to attend an event;
or perform at one;
or someone wants to write an article about you;
or wants to put your name behind a product.
The opportunities start rolling in. 
Maybe they even want to do a photo shoot with you in it. You're all excited. Maybe they will put you in Versace. 
Maybe you'll feel like a supermodel. 
Maybe you will get to keep the outfit. 
Then, on the day turn up on the day, and someone hands you THIS to wear.....

I don't know who that is standing behind Beth, but you can practically see the sympathy oozing out of her.  You can just tell she is thinking, 'You poor, poor sod' while she is also thinking how totally grateful she is that she is not the one dressed like a deranged butler/gymnast/clown person.
And poor Beth.  She looks like she's frozen in that pose.  It's probably the shock.  Or the anticipation of the humiliation the day the picture comes out.

And who says history doesn't repeat itself?  Elsa's is slightly less embarrassing, and accordingly, she looks slightly less embarrassed.  Maybe the man candy helps too.

I  can just see the bunch of fashionistas sitting around the sample table, fingering their nifty new mustard knit dress and arm-warmer/glove ensemble, and thinking, 'how are we going to find anyone willing to wear this shade of yellow?'
Then some bright sparks goes, "I know.  We'll ask someone really short -then they'll be so grateful we even asked them to catwalk model, they'll wear anything."
And everyone is like 
"Yeah! Great idea!" 
 "I know!  A jockey!"
"No wait!  A gymnast!"
"Yeah! I bet we can find some money-hungry Russian or Romanian willing to do it."
"I heard Lilia Podkapoyeva is free!"

Poor Beth was probably practically weeping with gratitude that they'd finally found something halfway pretty for her to wear. 
Then they made her lift her limbs like an awkwardly arranged marionette puppet.  
Still, she was probably thinking, 'This is okay- better than the tux/leo nightmare, anyway.'  Then they stuck a fan in front of her and turned it on full pelt.  
Then, when she felt her hair blowing in the manmade breeze...she knew it was over.

It's like Chinese advertising companies had used Cheng Fei so much before the Beijing Olympics that they'd finally run out of concepts.  Eventually they just decided to dress her as a pirate and stick her in a dungeon with a handy cowboy lassoo and some melodramatic lighting and let the viewers make up their own minds what this was about.  No wonder she looks a bit bewildered.

Okay, so maybe the stylist didn't do such a bad job in finding something bland-ishly pleasant for Carly to wear- but whoever had the idea to try and sex her up by sticking her finger in her mouth a-la-Lolita should be taken out and shot at dawn.  Ms Patterson don't do sexy. Or maybe she is meant to be confused?  I'd buy confused.

If i were Georgia or Dasha, I would have been demanding that if they had to dress like Thai dancing girls to celebrate the coming of Beijing then the whole team should have been made to look like fools along with them.  
Dasha tried a different tact, though.  She thought that if her eyes were shut- like really, really squeezed shut- it was like she wasn't there, right?  The old, if i can't see them- they can't see me trick.  Sorry Dash.  it didn't work this time. Maybe it'll work when they give you a pipe and some tweed to wear come London 2012.

Oh Isabelle.
How is this picture horrifying?  Let me count the ways..
The shoes.
The hair.
The outfit.
The tanning terror alert.
I think that's it.
No wait....
The facial expression.

At least with these photos, they have someone to blame other than themselves.....

(edit... By the way, my mother, who has apparently read my blog, would like to inform you all that i used to get around as a teenager wearing men's pajama bottoms as pants, and that, therefore, she doesn't think I am qualified to write this blog (being even less computer literate than me, she couldn't work out how to leave a comment.  Thank Above for small mercies!).  Anyway, I say ignore her.  Besides, wearing your nightwear as daywear was very cutting edge in suburbia back then!) 


  1. Beth Tweddle's "Tuxedo" leotard was made especially for the BBC Sports Personality of the Year Award Ceremony in which she had been nominated and asked to perform. She wanted to dress up for the ceremony as everyone else would be wearing black tie so Milano made her that leotard as a one off just for the ceremony for her to perform in. She then changed into a nice posh outfit!

  2. These are all so bad, great job finding them. Isabelle Servino's is definitely the worst! BTW I just started a gymnastics blog my self at I was also wondering if you were a member of any gymnastics forums because I am looking for a good one or two to join and am looking for recommendations.

  3. The wearing of jamas on suburban trains was a big fashion faux pas but as the blogger's ma I take much umbrage about my inability to leave a comment on her site.
    I would share photos of the bloggers paST LACK OF FASHION SENSE but she stole them all from the family albums.
    Geez, I hope this comment gets there!

  4. Lol, you go Mr Couch Gymnast!!!!